Unlocking The Box

I need to get some things off my chest because if I don't I might go insane pondering it all. It's time to set free what's locked in my head. This will be a serious post. 

Update: Just as another warning I am in no way depressed or miserable. I'm simply aimless. 

I feel like I'm the captain of a ship floating along in black waters surrounded by nothingness. Everything feels more than a little out of reach and with the baby on the way I'm a bit scared that this feeling will pilot my entire being.

I realize that some of you may not want to hear about how lost I feel but this blog exists as a means for me to step outside of being who everyone wants me to be and step into who I truly am. A way to express how I'm feeling or just ramble on about nothing important just to get it out of my head and into a place where it can float freely.

I can't exactly understand why I feel so lost and stranded. Why it feels like everything is out of reach and I'm slowly sinking. Nothing is really bad where I am or in my life but everything just feels so out of control. Like life is moving forward leaving me behind in it's stupid dust trail to stand there and wonder where all the time went.

Twenty years old, unemployed, holding onto the hopeless dream that one day I can become a writer knowing full well how fruitless that goal is. Hoping someone out there will want to listen to what I write but being unable to properly share it with anyone, it's like a paradox and I have no idea how to solve it.

It's like a cruel game. There's a bunch of routes to go all leading to some form of beneficial conclusion but every step toward a path can lead to someone being upset or hurt. I'm not able to be selfish like that so I stand still in the centre of the crossroads letting all these paths move forward without me, afraid to take a step in any direction for fear of pain, loss, or failure.

I know this sounds like a serious problem and maybe it is in some way but I can sort it out sooner or later. I keep these thoughts usually under lock and key and maintain my cheery “It will all be alright” disposition but currently the pressure of it all is holding me back.

It's an odd sensation, everything is floating off and closing in all at once, it's spinning around me, taunting and teasing me, telling me that if I just step forward and grab it it's mine. Then there's me, sitting in the centre trying to will it all away.

I'm sorry for the seriousness of what I'm posting but I need to get it out. I need to set it free in hopes it can clear my head and leave me to ponder on what to do next.